I am having a hard time. My driving instructor says he doesn't know what to do with me. My husband said last week he "can't live like this" (we made up, but it was about cleaning - something that I don't believe will ever flow naturally for me no matter how much I understand it's important to him, I've improved for now but long term...) and today my boss has come straight out and said she "can't work with this" about me. Because of my organisation and time management.
I feel like... I'm always making promises that I don't know if I'll be able to keep because of my ADHD. Because I know what they want me to say, I know how I'm supposed to act following these things, it's not acceptable for me to be honest about my expectations, but I literally don't know how I could have pre-empted any of these problems, which means it's likely that they will happen again.
Also finding it hard - the contrast with when I was a teenager and struggling at school and the people who were cross with me were also trying to help me find out why it was so difficult for me. They don't do that now... because an adult who can't do those things is just obviously a lost cause. I feel so sad because I really want to fix these problems, I just can't see them in advance like other people can. But it comes back to the same thing - it doesn't matter how much effort you put into something or how much of it is in your control, the only thing that others see is whether you hit or missed the mark.
I know I have so much to give, but I can't get a handle on these basics. It is so enraging and senseless. But I'm too tired even to be angry about it so I just feel defeated today.
Showing posts with label ADHD. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ADHD. Show all posts
Tuesday, 29 November 2016
Tuesday, 26 July 2016
Change
My husband thinks I am bad at dealing with change. Of course, I refute this absolutely. I love change. As long as everything is exactly the same as it is right now.
Oh.
Joking aside, though, it's a weird thing. It came up because I mentioned that I don't update apps unless they either stop working or some new feature has been added that I want. It's not that I don't like it when an app changes, it just seems unnecessary, and if it works now, why bother? I've had too many frustrating experiences before where I was playing a game I liked and when they updated it they broke it or slightly changed the mechanics and it wasn't fun any more.
I think you could safely say I like to be comfortable. And part of being comfortable is things going the way I expect. I don't know whether it's related to the ADHD - one theory (of course as soon as he mentions something like this it makes me spawn 1000 theories as to why it might be) is that since basically everything around me is vying for my attention all the time, it calms the onslaught somewhat if I can predict a lot of them and let my brain fill in the blank space. Or it might be to do with the ADHD need for feedback - it's difficult for me to justify spending effort for something that I don't know will either bring a reward or lessen some discomfort, and then I tend to be forgetful/not follow through on things which is why it might look like I'm not interested in change. Often when there's something keeping me on track I'm very interested and motivated by change, it's just very very exhausting at the same time. He reckons that I'm only okay with change when I can have complete control over how it will go. Which actually does sound like me, though I never really think of myself as a controlling person.
I find it disconcerting when he points out something about me I hadn't really noticed and it makes me want to go and cross-reference it with other people who know me, but then I realised that I don't know if I have anyone so close who knows me that well. Which is disappointing.
It requires more thought.
Oh.
Joking aside, though, it's a weird thing. It came up because I mentioned that I don't update apps unless they either stop working or some new feature has been added that I want. It's not that I don't like it when an app changes, it just seems unnecessary, and if it works now, why bother? I've had too many frustrating experiences before where I was playing a game I liked and when they updated it they broke it or slightly changed the mechanics and it wasn't fun any more.
I think you could safely say I like to be comfortable. And part of being comfortable is things going the way I expect. I don't know whether it's related to the ADHD - one theory (of course as soon as he mentions something like this it makes me spawn 1000 theories as to why it might be) is that since basically everything around me is vying for my attention all the time, it calms the onslaught somewhat if I can predict a lot of them and let my brain fill in the blank space. Or it might be to do with the ADHD need for feedback - it's difficult for me to justify spending effort for something that I don't know will either bring a reward or lessen some discomfort, and then I tend to be forgetful/not follow through on things which is why it might look like I'm not interested in change. Often when there's something keeping me on track I'm very interested and motivated by change, it's just very very exhausting at the same time. He reckons that I'm only okay with change when I can have complete control over how it will go. Which actually does sound like me, though I never really think of myself as a controlling person.
I find it disconcerting when he points out something about me I hadn't really noticed and it makes me want to go and cross-reference it with other people who know me, but then I realised that I don't know if I have anyone so close who knows me that well. Which is disappointing.
It requires more thought.
Monday, 11 April 2016
CBT for ADHD, week 1
NB: (To later be removed) I realise this is a bit sudden especially after such a mass gap in posting, but I was diagnosed with adult ADHD, specifically the inattentive type. I'll put another explanatory post up and backdate it later, but the summary is: My brain is screwed, and this explains why I have such issues with the details of adulthood. (Also, problems updating a blog.) Edit: I never updated this and probably never will, so deal with it.
This week I began CBT for my ADHD, so I'm going to try and note the results here both to see how I'm doing, and to document the process in case anyone is interested.
My sessions are currently on Friday evenings and this week I've come away with several goals to complete over the week. I'm sort of loosely using this book: http://www.amazon.com/Mastering-Your-Adult-ADHD-Cognitive-Behavioral/dp/0195188195/ My therapist described it as "In this field there are good books and there is many bullshit. This publisher doesn't make bullshit". To the point. Anyway, it's recommended by Dr. Barkley, which is a good stamp of approval for me.
So first I identified that one of my biggest problems is when I avoid an activity which would be small and no effort, but in putting it off I make a huge problem build up for the future. I particularly have an issue with reading and answering physical and electronic mail, so that is my first task.
1. When I re-enter the house in the morning, whether it's from dropping my son off on his way to school, or whether from work, I will check the postbox and carry up the mail.
2. I'll sit down and drink my coffee and eat some breakfast, but NOT at the computer and not while reading the mail. I'm not supposed to multi-task. He wants me to finish one task before I start the next so that the tasks aren't forever unfinished leaving a trail of destruction in my wake. (This is another problem that I wanted to address.) So after this, I should take my plate and cup and any other things back to the kitchen and refill the dishwasher.
3. Then I can turn on my computer, but only to check email. I should throw away the bullshit (I'm not sure that he really gets that bullshit is an offensive word? I don't know. But it's hilarious.) and decide what actions, if any, need taking. If the action is small then I should do it immediately. If I can't do it immediately, then I should decide when I will do it. The same for physical mail. If I find myself thinking "Oh but it will be too difficult, I'll do it later" then I'm supposed to counter that by thinking "No fortune telling. Just try it."
4. My other task for this week, which is more of a week-long task, is to figure out how often I should do things like laundry by counting how many clothes and other things we use in a typical week. I already feel a little overwhelmed so it might only be laundry to begin with that I work out, but I can extend it to other things if I want to and have time. (My current tactic with laundry is to forget that it is a thing until we all run out of socks and then try to do three loads in one day, forgetting the last one and leaving it to moulder for a week.)
5. I should also read the chapter on prioritising and writing a to-do list and maybe anything preceding this, again, if I have time.
This week I began CBT for my ADHD, so I'm going to try and note the results here both to see how I'm doing, and to document the process in case anyone is interested.
My sessions are currently on Friday evenings and this week I've come away with several goals to complete over the week. I'm sort of loosely using this book: http://www.amazon.com/Mastering-Your-Adult-ADHD-Cognitive-Behavioral/dp/0195188195/ My therapist described it as "In this field there are good books and there is many bullshit. This publisher doesn't make bullshit". To the point. Anyway, it's recommended by Dr. Barkley, which is a good stamp of approval for me.
So first I identified that one of my biggest problems is when I avoid an activity which would be small and no effort, but in putting it off I make a huge problem build up for the future. I particularly have an issue with reading and answering physical and electronic mail, so that is my first task.
1. When I re-enter the house in the morning, whether it's from dropping my son off on his way to school, or whether from work, I will check the postbox and carry up the mail.
2. I'll sit down and drink my coffee and eat some breakfast, but NOT at the computer and not while reading the mail. I'm not supposed to multi-task. He wants me to finish one task before I start the next so that the tasks aren't forever unfinished leaving a trail of destruction in my wake. (This is another problem that I wanted to address.) So after this, I should take my plate and cup and any other things back to the kitchen and refill the dishwasher.
3. Then I can turn on my computer, but only to check email. I should throw away the bullshit (I'm not sure that he really gets that bullshit is an offensive word? I don't know. But it's hilarious.) and decide what actions, if any, need taking. If the action is small then I should do it immediately. If I can't do it immediately, then I should decide when I will do it. The same for physical mail. If I find myself thinking "Oh but it will be too difficult, I'll do it later" then I'm supposed to counter that by thinking "No fortune telling. Just try it."
4. My other task for this week, which is more of a week-long task, is to figure out how often I should do things like laundry by counting how many clothes and other things we use in a typical week. I already feel a little overwhelmed so it might only be laundry to begin with that I work out, but I can extend it to other things if I want to and have time. (My current tactic with laundry is to forget that it is a thing until we all run out of socks and then try to do three loads in one day, forgetting the last one and leaving it to moulder for a week.)
5. I should also read the chapter on prioritising and writing a to-do list and maybe anything preceding this, again, if I have time.
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