How does it feel to see your country begin to break?

It is a shock. It is a sharp jab.
It is feeling helplessly lost in not knowing. I didn't know I would feel like this.

I don't know whether it is my strength of feeling which is surprising, or that I didn't expect this to happen at all.

I feel stunned.
I don't know what I feel. I don't have a chance to look and grasp because I feel like I am falling.
Literally, falling with nothing to grasp, arms flying out behind. It feels like falling, and not in a good way, like falling in love. It is tripping and stumbling and air rushing into the ears and blocking out all of the sound but the words, saying things I don't want to be true.

And the breath. Visceral and physical breath leaves me. It is gone. It is gone.

How can it be gone?

Log on. The world reacts. There is a lot of feeling. Every feeling in the world came out today. Hurt and anger and fear, in viciousness. And sympathy. Reaching out, pulling close. These are the ones I notice. The hairs on my neck are not still today.

I am thankful for international friends. Thankful for wordless support, the ordinary. My people are hurting, badly. Talk feels impossible. Just angry words, now. Much later we will talk. For now we are hurting, and hurt people hurt. The hurt that lead to the vote and the hurt that follows. My country is bleeding.

Reading each new headline adds another dull blow. The reminder: This is real. It is happening. We can't go back now. The people have had their say. This is democracy.

I feel vulnerable and tearful. Small acts of solidarity are touching. Reminders of earlier optimism difficult. It feels too early even to laugh. I've never found it too early to laugh before.

I feel lost. I don't know where my home is.

My heart is breaking.

That is how it feels.

Seven things that happened this week

1. The six year old learned to ride a bike. My husband said that it was the most like a dad he has ever felt. Apparently strangers cheered. I was sorry that I missed it, but it felt okay. It was my idea to take the pedals off his bike, anyway.

2. The bike is about 20 years old and way too small. So then the husband and I had an argument over whether it's better to buy something new and cheap (him) or second hand (me). The result of this is that I have until Wednesday to scour quoka (German craigslist) for bikes and maybe find one. I have 13 ads saved. Not sure how many of those I will actually go and look at, but it will be really awesome if we do manage to find a bargain this way.

3. I discovered Gilmore Girls, and it's awesome. How have I never seen this before? Total comfort TV. Lauren Graham is also my parenting idol. I am enjoying the fact that she's basically playing exactly the same part as she played in Parenthood. Also, she has not aged in fifteen years.

4. I noticed my ex is back on facebook. Ho boy.

5. I am using some sleep app now, that tracks my sleep. This is sort of depressing, because it says my sleep is really great, yet I still feel tired and find it hard to wake up in the mornings. Plus it gives my husband reason to be upset at me since his sleep graphs look worse than mine. Technology! Improving marriage arguments since 1974.

6. The sleep app tells me that I sleep better when I go to bed after midnight. But also that I need 8.5 hours of sleep. I really wish that I could submit this as evidence of why I shouldn't have to get up until 9 or 10 every day.

7. Oh, and I started running again. I forgot that it actually feels pretty awesome. I hope to make it a more regular thing.

I am doing this format now, once every Sunday, in the hope that it kick starts me into writing again. I apologise because it's pretty boring to read, but it gets me writing and puts some context around when I occasionally post relevant stuff. So comments would be great, but don't feel any great pressure or anything.

Hiatus...2

And the last post I didn't finish brings my number of drafts up equal to my number of published posts.

I really really miss writing, but can't seem to get into it at all :(