Patience

As I mentioned in the last post, we've been trying for a baby for a while now. Over a year, actually, which means that since we are young and healthy it's advised that we seek medical assistance with this now. We've actually had two miscarriages in the last year, which I meant to write about, but didn't. I'm okay about that. It's the length of time which is frustrating and disappointing.

Recently we decided since the baby thing isn't going anywhere fast, let's look into getting a dog! We found a lovely mixed breed at the local animal shelter who was lovely and perfect for our family, but she has knee problems, and so wasn't allowed to live with us as we have stairs.

So a couple of weekends ago, we decided to look at some gerbils. We looked at two different tank sizes we'd be happy with, but when the sales assistant went to show us where they were kept, they found that they only had the smaller one, or much more expensive ones in stock. They wouldn't sell us the gerbils with the smaller tank, so we didn't get those either. Today I thought my husband had gone totally mad as he said we could look at cats instead. So off we went to the animal home again, but no, they won't let cats come to us because we're in an apartment. Which is fair, I suppose, but it's disappointing again.

I'm sure our time will come but it's hard being patient and waiting to see when it will be.

Things are still not going great?

I am having a hard time. My driving instructor says he doesn't know what to do with me. My husband said last week he "can't live like this" (we made up, but it was about cleaning - something that I don't believe will ever flow naturally for me no matter how much I understand it's important to him, I've improved for now but long term...) and today my boss has come straight out and said she "can't work with this" about me. Because of my organisation and time management.

I feel like... I'm always making promises that I don't know if I'll be able to keep because of my ADHD. Because I know what they want me to say, I know how I'm supposed to act following these things, it's not acceptable for me to be honest about my expectations, but I literally don't know how I could have pre-empted any of these problems, which means it's likely that they will happen again.

Also finding it hard - the contrast with when I was a teenager and struggling at school and the people who were cross with me were also trying to help me find out why it was so difficult for me. They don't do that now... because an adult who can't do those things is just obviously a lost cause. I feel so sad because I really want to fix these problems, I just can't see them in advance like other people can. But it comes back to the same thing - it doesn't matter how much effort you put into something or how much of it is in your control, the only thing that others see is whether you hit or missed the mark.

I know I have so much to give, but I can't get a handle on these basics. It is so enraging and senseless. But I'm too tired even to be angry about it so I just feel defeated today.

Optimism

The situation in the last post sort of resolved itself. Or got worse. Or didn't? I don't really know. Is it important?

Yeah, probably.

I should probably explain a bit more. I took on some extra classes back in the late spring. I was just covering another teacher but it meant I had a late morning through to evening schedule, and it was amazing. It just worked for me. Far better than the early morning + late evening with mass gap in the middle I had been dealing with.

So I asked my husband if he minded me doing more of this. He said it was a great idea, so I went to my employer, who also thought it was great.

EVERYTHING IS GREAT. YAY.

So, the problem here, was that they set me an impossible task, and I agreed to it, because I'm endlessly optimistic and don't seem to notice that this often goes quite badly for me. The impossible task was learning to drive in two months. They basically told me that it was difficult. I knew that I didn't have enough time. What I also knew but didn't tell them was that I have ADHD and, um, there are actual trends that show driving is harder for people with ADHD, so that two months which was difficult for a normal person is basically extra hard for me. But I was optimistic, so I said okay, sure!

The other problem. I somehow assumed that during the conversation about my working more late morning through to evening days, that my husband got the memo that he was agreeing (in my head) to then cover the gap after school when our son comes home. This was completely clear to me because late morning through to evening also includes the early afternoon, and also because as part of this deal I promised to deal with the mornings, and also, why the F was I asking his permission to work, if I wasn't asking him if he was OK with going to work early and doing the extra childcare?

But yeah, OK, to be fair, I probably didn't spell it out exactly that this was what I wanted.

So - now it is much longer than two months later. I have failed two tests. I did pass theory the first time - memory, yay! But I am not doing well at the practical tests. Husband is straining to cover the childcare. I am paying aaaall the money to the tram system. Hoping optimistically that the driving school just let me keep driving until I pass and pay them later. Hoping optimistically that my employer doesn't just get fed up and give my job to someone else. Basically just smiling manically and hoping for the best in all scenarios while totally failing to plan.

You know when you plan? Can you see the plan in your head? Can you hold it there while you work out what happens on the next step? Because I can't do that. I have to write it down and even that in itself is hard. I start writing. I get several steps in. And it feels like the cogs in my brain are jammed, like they are buffering, or turning so slowly. I can't focus on anything and it all just swims and it's hard. I can plan... but it takes me a huge amount of effort and several sessions because one session producing the first step is exhausting.

Past Bedtime

Obligatory self-loathing "I haven't updated in an age". I get it, that's boring, you don't care.

So anyway. How the hell are you?

I am trying a new resolution type app which supposedly helps you make new habits. I've been working on "No napping in the day" for three weeks and one day, and managed it 15 days out of those 22. I started "Come off computer by 10.30" two days ago, and naturally, it's 1.03am and I'm typing this.

It's like once I've gone past the tipping point, I don't care and just carry on. I expect to be here at 3am. Then I need to make a lunch and hang up the washing in the machine. Bye bye lack of nap tomorrow! I know it's because I got home at 9, oven thermostat is funky so ended up finishing eating at about 11, hadn't done my lesson prep, noticed it was already after 10.30 anyway, and instead of thinking "Oh look, I've missed my deadline. I had better do all of the things I need to do and then go to sleep as soon as possible", I think "Meh, I'm late anyway. I'll do that later." and let myself get terminally distracted. Why? This is stupid and unhelpful.

I have an appointment for ADHD assessment. It's in February. I keep having weirdly vivid dreams about the assessment and/or thinking I've already done it and it's over. I also keep imagining all of these conversations I'm going to have in there, which I probably won't, at all. One recurring one is that I'm a terrible wife. One piece of evidence which keeps stabbing me in the face for that is that it's our anniversary soon and I asked my husband if he wanted to go to a concert, he said yes, but I have neither booked tickets nor found a babysitter, and the concert is on Saturday. I remember this at about 2am every night in a cold sweat, but I can't phone anybody then, or turn my phone on to post to facebook because it will wake him up. And the day is battling through a haze of tiredness and shock to the system as I return to work. Other people don't seem to find that this hard. Other people don't stay up until 2am avoiding the things they need to do before bed, either.

2015: Year of Future Planning.

So before the new year, I was ruminating on new year's plans and future plans in general.

I've alluded to this before on this blog but I've been feeling over the past 2-3 years like I've just been surviving or living week to week or day to day, very short term. I've spoken a lot online (probably in posts waiting to be finished and go live - more on that soon) about the importance of planning a future and having goals and things to work towards, but I haven't been doing this myself. I've wanted to speak to my husband and plan real futures together but haven't made time for it.

So. Anyway. A discussion tonight lead to this realisation being voiced and we tossed some ideas around and I got a little bit excited again. How can you grow as a person if you don't have anything to grow towards? We need our "sun". I can see a chink of it through the clouds, finally. And again! I'd forgotten that once I did have future plans and I had felt excited and eager for them.

He made me realise that I don't need to be able to picture myself doing something or imagine it, if it feels exciting then we are probably still young enough for it to be possible. He has also banned me from asking for help on open forums (I say banned, he's asked me to try without that first, to see what I come up with.) So far I've found some fun career planning algorithm type things online which seem much better than the ones I had to contend with 10 years ago in school career planning (I'm not sure quite why this surprised me.)

So first, sleep, because I'm exhausted. Tomorrow teaching, seeing friends, working out (I am far overdue) and then some hardcore working out of what I want from life and finding my sun again. And then I can see what steps I might be able to take to achieve it. Exciting times!

Basically, I am a massive twat.

Sometimes (okay most of the time) I am terrible at expressing myself.

I seem to be incapable of saying anything without it coming out critical. Can't say anything nice without adding a point for improvement. Can't state something nicely that I want changing, have to blurt out something hurtful instead.

It's shit and the net result is, I'm pissing off the people I love or I keep stuff inside which is bothering me because I don't trust myself to say it in a tactful way.

I mean, is this something you can learn? I don't know how to do it and it's upsetting me.

This is why people normally do the married thing before they have kids

I was just reading this post which I found through ikea hackers (sorry, but actual decoration blogs of people with perfect homes and even more perfect accessories just make me feel jealous and depressed, especially when I look around my own house which is full of "That'll do for now" and "mismatched and/or shabby, but definitely not chic" and "My landlord's taste in decoration (and budget)." - but I digress. I really liked the little anecdote they had about choosing lamps, and how having matching taste in lamps (or not) can seem like the MOST pressing and MOST ridiculously important thing at the time and the author managed to convey very convincingly the sheer panic of realising that, fuck, I've decided to spend my life with this person and what if we don't agree on the best way to make sandwiches???

We had a definite sandwich moment today. I bought a baguette, a real French baguette, and felt all pleased with myself and cultural as I carried it home in my arms because I hadn't brought my bag, and presented it to Creepy with a flourish. "I bought lunch!" I said proudly. "Now we can make a picnic if we need to go out!" He was pleased but said he wasn't ready to go yet. It was his weekend to choose, so I sat down and internetted for a while until he got up and looked as though he was starting to make sandwiches.

First he complained that I could have got some actual food. I felt deflated. I had specifically not bought things like meat and other fillings because the last time I remembered looking in the fridge, we had enough. Secret of Adulthood #1: Remember that groceries (and other supplies) can also get used up by people other than you. Anyway, he set about making some sandwiches and I said, oh, I'll make my own. I had a very specific idea of a sandwich, and I didn't want him ruining it when I'd gone to the trouble of actually buying nice bread. He refused and I became a bit panicky. I may have shouted at this point. He later told me that I had, anyway. So then he got a bit antsy at being shouted at and basically it was all one big mood/weird/disaster. All over a stupid sandwich. And he cut the bread wrong, so even when I made my own sandwich, it wasn't what I wanted it to be anyway. AND HELLO IT WAS A FUCKING SANDWICH.

And I can look back at this and realise that it's just all kinds of ridiculous, and would it have even mattered if he made my sandwich with the gross kind of weird sausage, and anyway HE WAS ASKING what I wanted in it, but instead I just panicked because he didn't do it in the same way as me. And I hate the way that he fries foods, but I've sort of lost how to ask "Please could you try using a bit less fat or drain it before you put mine on the plate or at least use a nice kind of oil and not the cheapest vegetable oil in the supermarket" without whining or shouting or panicking (which leads to shouting, which I don't get. How come me from the non-shouty to the point of frustrating family explodes at the slightest stress whereas he from the shouting-replaces-all-emotion family hates shouting and really doesn't know how to deal with it?)

We keep having total communication failures as well currently. Tonight we both failed to put Mini D to bed because we were assuming the other was doing it. When we went around the supermarket I was told halfway through "Well you're supposed to be seeing what we need for X situation" Thanks. Would have been nice to know that from the start! And the other weekend we argued about whether we had planned to clean that weekend or not. And this is really hard - to resolve when every time I try to resolve something I feel either attacked or terrified (not him, just previous abuse stuff coming up) overthink how to say it, fight the tendency to shout by having a shouting match in my head which then leads to tears because it doesn't get resolved. I want to be able to have these conversations with him but it feels unfair to do that around Mini D when I am prone to shouting or crying and don't seem to be able to resolve things without either of those happening. It would have been nice, on reflection, to have time without him to figure that kind of stuff out.

Weekending

I swear I need some kind of electronic shock reminder for this writing thing. Then again, knowing me, I'd just ignore it anyway.

This week has mostly been spent ill, at least by Mini-D who got a bout of Scarlet Fever. (He's fine) But this weekend has been nice, a really lovely smooth example of how things work when we aren't overwhelmed by tiredness.

On Saturday Creepy got up with Mini-D when he came to badger me, which was a nice change - I usually reluctantly get up and Creepy sleeps until lunchtime or I will sort of stubbornly not get up and then feel crappy about leaving Mini to his own devices for around 5 hours. (He's fine. He minecrafts and watches TV and pootles in his room.) I fell back to sleep (although I felt OK) and they snuck out of the house to get haircuts and pastries! It was nice to be woken up by two neat, handsome boys on their return (and the bringing of chocolate bread was a great touch too!)

The rest of the weekend was one big roll of pretty much perfect co-operation. Creepy did the dishes while I woke up and ate, I helped Mini set up Terraria (it was his weekend to pick what we do, so, of course, VIDEO GAME FEST!), we played for a bit, Creepy joined in, I got bored and went to do my own thing. Sorted some laundry and vegged on facebook etc. Later Creepy got bored of Terraria too so Mini and I played Worms for (actually hours... oops) while Creepy had a nap and then washed up the lunch plates. I made dinner, sorted some more laundry, chilled out. Creepy put Mini to bed while I was in the cellar with the washing machine, which was a surprise. We basically had an entire evening together without one of us being knackered which hasn't happened in ages.

Today, I did the early shift, started new minecraft world, was going well until epic tantrum of RAGE, decided that although it had been colder, we really needed to get out. So we went on a walk which ended up being right up the castle where you can see around all of the surrounding towns and villages and is pretty fun to do. It was so windy that Mini was being literally blown around, which he found hilarious. Luckily the railings at the castle are thick, close together and almost come up to the top of his head, so I wasn't anxious. It was so funny though, he was laughing so much he was actually squealing with delight, and he's 5 now, those moments don't come so often when you have to be a really grown up cool person.

I made dinner for everyone this time which was pork chops, potato wedges and a sweetcorn salad (tinned sweetcorn, drained, mixed about 60:40 with chopped red pepper, and about 10% little bits of red onion, with mint. It was really surprisingly nice, which was good as I'd just sort of made it up as I went along. We always seem to eat the same side dishes with things - chips or vegetables or a really terrible salad, and I was getting bored of it. Now we are slowly accumulating the parts of an entire kitchen, it's nice to use it. Anyway, the wedges and chops both ended up slightly overdone but it was nice all the same, and it felt really good to be eating proper food as opposed to convenience food or endless pasta (though, I made a really nice pasta sauce last night too!)

At some point in the day Mini said "It's really fun to take turns choosing what we want to do for the weekend, isn't it?" and I just thought it was really lovely, to hear him say that. It's pretty much been a perfect weekend, ideals-wise. We've both done a decent amount of input into the housework without it feeling overwhelming or a drag, and it looks pretty nice in the house too, we've done individual activities with MD and also family activities and the three of us have each had time on our own. It's been restful and fun and restoring and close and just nice :) It's nice to get things right every once in a while.

Depression can fuck off.

I've been trying to avoid being on the computer all the time since Creepy D asked me if I actually wanted to be here, as I seemed to be avoiding everyone and pushing them away.

Had to tell him this was just my coping mechanism for the last year or so. Bury self in computer, let life go on around self, easy. And so addictive.

Have started doing exercise, in order to try and boost my energy levels and also make me feel more motivated in general. But it seems that cutting off the computer time has led to my depression coming out again. If you'd asked me a week ago, or even yesterday, I'd have said that I felt depressed a year or two ago but I feel okay now. But no, here it comes again. We ended up having a stupid argument about childbirth, of all things, and it's reawakened my "Shouldn't have had children with (ex) utter knob end" thing, and then that has triggered my "Shit, you're so terrible at LIFE that you bought vegetables and didn't use them and now they are mouldy. Well done you!" (tears). Decided to go for a walk to calm down a bit and forgot to take the recycling down with me. Cue another rant at self. "Can't even remember one thing that you decided on a few seconds ago. Oh my god, you can't do anything." Leads to terrible fear that will forget something important for my new job which I'm supposed to be starting next week.

I mean, it's exhausting. And stupid. But when I fail at stuff, even really simple stupid stuff, that just seems to reinforce my self-belief that I fail at EVERYTHING, and it all feeds into itself and is awful.

Actually people are saying nice things about me on facebook (and I am not fishing with moany comments, either) and I suspect I am coming down with a cold and feeling a bit sorry for myself because of that, and I always feel a bit thrown by arguments even though we ended up on the same page. I am sure that in a month when I've settled into the new job and maybe even done my next mad venture (learning to drive, in the land of the Autobahn!) I will be feeling better. And exercise is supposed to help. And I need to take my iron. And stop beginning sentences with And.

Breathe. Sleep. Make plans. Eat. Live.