I swear I need some kind of electronic shock reminder for this writing thing. Then again, knowing me, I'd just ignore it anyway.
This week has mostly been spent ill, at least by Mini-D who got a bout of Scarlet Fever. (He's fine) But this weekend has been nice, a really lovely smooth example of how things work when we aren't overwhelmed by tiredness.
On Saturday Creepy got up with Mini-D when he came to badger me, which was a nice change - I usually reluctantly get up and Creepy sleeps until lunchtime or I will sort of stubbornly not get up and then feel crappy about leaving Mini to his own devices for around 5 hours. (He's fine. He minecrafts and watches TV and pootles in his room.) I fell back to sleep (although I felt OK) and they snuck out of the house to get haircuts and pastries! It was nice to be woken up by two neat, handsome boys on their return (and the bringing of chocolate bread was a great touch too!)
The rest of the weekend was one big roll of pretty much perfect co-operation. Creepy did the dishes while I woke up and ate, I helped Mini set up Terraria (it was his weekend to pick what we do, so, of course, VIDEO GAME FEST!), we played for a bit, Creepy joined in, I got bored and went to do my own thing. Sorted some laundry and vegged on facebook etc. Later Creepy got bored of Terraria too so Mini and I played Worms for (actually hours... oops) while Creepy had a nap and then washed up the lunch plates. I made dinner, sorted some more laundry, chilled out. Creepy put Mini to bed while I was in the cellar with the washing machine, which was a surprise. We basically had an entire evening together without one of us being knackered which hasn't happened in ages.
Today, I did the early shift, started new minecraft world, was going well until epic tantrum of RAGE, decided that although it had been colder, we really needed to get out. So we went on a walk which ended up being right up the castle where you can see around all of the surrounding towns and villages and is pretty fun to do. It was so windy that Mini was being literally blown around, which he found hilarious. Luckily the railings at the castle are thick, close together and almost come up to the top of his head, so I wasn't anxious. It was so funny though, he was laughing so much he was actually squealing with delight, and he's 5 now, those moments don't come so often when you have to be a really grown up cool person.
I made dinner for everyone this time which was pork chops, potato wedges and a sweetcorn salad (tinned sweetcorn, drained, mixed about 60:40 with chopped red pepper, and about 10% little bits of red onion, with mint. It was really surprisingly nice, which was good as I'd just sort of made it up as I went along. We always seem to eat the same side dishes with things - chips or vegetables or a really terrible salad, and I was getting bored of it. Now we are slowly accumulating the parts of an entire kitchen, it's nice to use it. Anyway, the wedges and chops both ended up slightly overdone but it was nice all the same, and it felt really good to be eating proper food as opposed to convenience food or endless pasta (though, I made a really nice pasta sauce last night too!)
At some point in the day Mini said "It's really fun to take turns choosing what we want to do for the weekend, isn't it?" and I just thought it was really lovely, to hear him say that. It's pretty much been a perfect weekend, ideals-wise. We've both done a decent amount of input into the housework without it feeling overwhelming or a drag, and it looks pretty nice in the house too, we've done individual activities with MD and also family activities and the three of us have each had time on our own. It's been restful and fun and restoring and close and just nice :) It's nice to get things right every once in a while.
Sunday, 16 March 2014
Tuesday, 4 March 2014
One more thing - scheduling.
You'd think I'd have learnt this by now. When someone asks "Are you free to do X" it's perfectly fine to just say "Let me check and get back to you" and not just "Yes". Leads to all sorts of headaches and ridiculousness when I actually check with the other people and they say no.
Bad Habits
When you have a baby, everyone warns you against getting into bad habits. "Don't pick them up every time they cry!" they say, "they'll expect it every time!". Never use a sling, or they'll be clingy. Don't feed them to sleep, they'll never sleep through. Definitely don't ever let them sleep in your bed unless you want them there at 12. Bad habits, they tut ominously.
I never found these bad habits at the time and I find them even less so now. I got into bad habits, I'm still trying to get out of them. Bad habits are not loving your child too much, being too available to them or undertaking any kind of solution which keeps them happy, quite the opposite. I did every one of the "bad habits" for babies and toddlers. Fed to sleep, co-slept, picked up when he cried, even gave into pleading on occasion. I regret none of it, and treasure the memories of him falling contentedly to sleep next to me, peacefully, with no fear or dread of bedtime.
I do regret getting into the bad habit of not saying "I love you" enough. It doesn't come easily to me, and although my own mother regularly said it to me I found it hard to say it back, it was often mumbled and muffled or just plain avoided. I don't know why this is and it's always bothered me. When I was 14 I wrote her a letter trying to explain this, and I think she still has it.
I have made an effort to try and say "I love you" - at bedtime, at kindergarten drop off time, when I leave the house. It's helped. And the look of happiness and pride on his face reminds me how important it is. It took about two weeks until he started saying it back, I think that's how long it took him to really hear it and believe it, that reminded me as well how important it really is.
I got into the bad habit of saying no. This is another thing that they tell you is a bad habit, not saying no enough, which isn't true. It's easy to say no too much. No we can't go to the park. No I don't want to play. No, later. No, not right now. No, I don't want to hear you. No, you are not important to me. No, just leave me alone. I didn't say the last three of course but I am sure he has heard them, implicitly, with all of the other "No"s. I am not very good at changing this but I would like to. We played Uno today, which I didn't want to do, but enjoyed.
I have a bad habit of hiding myself away and not engaging with anything real or human, unless I can do it through a screen. Of course, he copies this. It is a struggle to drag him away from minecraft. But when it does happen, it is beautiful and he has a wonderful time. I need to remember this and do it more often too.
I read something recently which I thought was brilliant, I could not find the original source, but the author described a "Nice, nice, nice...furious!" cycle that she found herself in with her children. I have to say that I smiled as I read this as I can totally see myself in the same thing. That is one I am happily breaking. It still happens but less so. And we are happier.
What are your bad parenting habits?
I never found these bad habits at the time and I find them even less so now. I got into bad habits, I'm still trying to get out of them. Bad habits are not loving your child too much, being too available to them or undertaking any kind of solution which keeps them happy, quite the opposite. I did every one of the "bad habits" for babies and toddlers. Fed to sleep, co-slept, picked up when he cried, even gave into pleading on occasion. I regret none of it, and treasure the memories of him falling contentedly to sleep next to me, peacefully, with no fear or dread of bedtime.
I do regret getting into the bad habit of not saying "I love you" enough. It doesn't come easily to me, and although my own mother regularly said it to me I found it hard to say it back, it was often mumbled and muffled or just plain avoided. I don't know why this is and it's always bothered me. When I was 14 I wrote her a letter trying to explain this, and I think she still has it.
I have made an effort to try and say "I love you" - at bedtime, at kindergarten drop off time, when I leave the house. It's helped. And the look of happiness and pride on his face reminds me how important it is. It took about two weeks until he started saying it back, I think that's how long it took him to really hear it and believe it, that reminded me as well how important it really is.
I got into the bad habit of saying no. This is another thing that they tell you is a bad habit, not saying no enough, which isn't true. It's easy to say no too much. No we can't go to the park. No I don't want to play. No, later. No, not right now. No, I don't want to hear you. No, you are not important to me. No, just leave me alone. I didn't say the last three of course but I am sure he has heard them, implicitly, with all of the other "No"s. I am not very good at changing this but I would like to. We played Uno today, which I didn't want to do, but enjoyed.
I have a bad habit of hiding myself away and not engaging with anything real or human, unless I can do it through a screen. Of course, he copies this. It is a struggle to drag him away from minecraft. But when it does happen, it is beautiful and he has a wonderful time. I need to remember this and do it more often too.
I read something recently which I thought was brilliant, I could not find the original source, but the author described a "Nice, nice, nice...furious!" cycle that she found herself in with her children. I have to say that I smiled as I read this as I can totally see myself in the same thing. That is one I am happily breaking. It still happens but less so. And we are happier.
What are your bad parenting habits?
Saturday, 22 February 2014
Making Friends
(This entry was started back in August, when we first moved)
I forgot how draining and repetitive and, in short, how much work it is to rebuild a network of friends. Even reading/thinking that sounds so callous when you think about what friendship is and how important friends actually become to your life. It feels surreal now to think that in a few years some of the people I am meeting now may go on to be close friends.
I have done it before, and I can do it again, and this time I have the support of my existing friendship network, even if they are 600 miles away. And I have Creepy, of course. The last time I was consciously building a support network I had lost almost all of my old friends due to the isolation inflicted on me by my ex, and I was still rediscovering who I was after being in such a restrictive cocoon of a relationship, AND suffering from depression to boot. I have my wings, now, and that does help a lot. But. It's still painful to travel for almost an hour on a swelteringly hot tram and feel that the whole exercise was a failure because Mini-D barely made eye contact with any of the other children and instead just quietly attempted to eat all of the host's lovingly prepared snacks. It wasn't a failure, of course. I met some more people and I learned some more things about the local area and I used my general shell-shockedness about the move to try to cover up my ignorance of social cues (I seriously need to work on this. So awkward.) And I made progress. It's just that the process of building a friendship is so slow that when you are really relying on it, it's noticeable.
But it will all be worth it in the end.
(Today)
We have been here for around 6 months and the process of friend making is still slow. However, I now have three or four people who I could call on for help in my local neighbourhood. I am figuring out who I have similarities with and who I don't and who is kind. I have a job which makes me meet people and soon I will be learning to drive - learning with people is a great friend-maker, I find.
Things are less awkward, and more easy, already.
I forgot how draining and repetitive and, in short, how much work it is to rebuild a network of friends. Even reading/thinking that sounds so callous when you think about what friendship is and how important friends actually become to your life. It feels surreal now to think that in a few years some of the people I am meeting now may go on to be close friends.
I have done it before, and I can do it again, and this time I have the support of my existing friendship network, even if they are 600 miles away. And I have Creepy, of course. The last time I was consciously building a support network I had lost almost all of my old friends due to the isolation inflicted on me by my ex, and I was still rediscovering who I was after being in such a restrictive cocoon of a relationship, AND suffering from depression to boot. I have my wings, now, and that does help a lot. But. It's still painful to travel for almost an hour on a swelteringly hot tram and feel that the whole exercise was a failure because Mini-D barely made eye contact with any of the other children and instead just quietly attempted to eat all of the host's lovingly prepared snacks. It wasn't a failure, of course. I met some more people and I learned some more things about the local area and I used my general shell-shockedness about the move to try to cover up my ignorance of social cues (I seriously need to work on this. So awkward.) And I made progress. It's just that the process of building a friendship is so slow that when you are really relying on it, it's noticeable.
But it will all be worth it in the end.
(Today)
We have been here for around 6 months and the process of friend making is still slow. However, I now have three or four people who I could call on for help in my local neighbourhood. I am figuring out who I have similarities with and who I don't and who is kind. I have a job which makes me meet people and soon I will be learning to drive - learning with people is a great friend-maker, I find.
Things are less awkward, and more easy, already.
Tuesday, 18 February 2014
Resolutions
I am making resolutions (yeah, a bit late). I decided to go out running again today as it's warmed up enough to do so and although it took a momentous EFFORT to push myself out of the door it was so, so worth it. I felt excited when starting out, decided to explore a new route, found a nice one which takes me over 2 railway bridges and the S-Bahn track, a bridge over a motorway with a stunning view of the hills and scenery (that actually made me stop for a second and think, fuck, this is where I live.) and past a farm right up to some fields. There's also a little pub and a paintball arena that I had no idea existed.
I need to be more present in the world, because I feel like it's passing me by once again. My resolution or current goal is to be out and interact with the world at least twice a day. Anything that gets me out of the house and not just for the minimum time ie picking up Mini D. So work counts, going for a run counts, seeing a friend counts, looking around the shops, taking the camera for a walk, anything really.
I did have a couple of others which were "Do at least one bit of housework every day" and "Spend at least 20 minutes with Mini D every day" but Creepy said that rather than try to do stuff with him, it was better to do stuff for myself and he will follow. So I've been trying this and weirdly he is right!
I need to be more present in the world, because I feel like it's passing me by once again. My resolution or current goal is to be out and interact with the world at least twice a day. Anything that gets me out of the house and not just for the minimum time ie picking up Mini D. So work counts, going for a run counts, seeing a friend counts, looking around the shops, taking the camera for a walk, anything really.
I did have a couple of others which were "Do at least one bit of housework every day" and "Spend at least 20 minutes with Mini D every day" but Creepy said that rather than try to do stuff with him, it was better to do stuff for myself and he will follow. So I've been trying this and weirdly he is right!
Sunday, 29 December 2013
Changes
I just came across a post on a forum asking "What would you change about your character?" or something thereabouts.
My first response was "thank fuck it's not just me who has those thoughts!"
Then I started to think about what it is I would actually like to change.
I would like to be less lazy, and perhaps part of this is being less tired. I would like to feel healthier and look after my body better, perhaps trying to work out if my occasional bloating and/or nausea is related to a particular food group. Currently I struggle to eat regularly, and cutting out or even down on food groups is really detrimental to that, ie, I end up eating nothing.
I would like to be able to think and plan ahead more coherently. Often I make plans but they are so vague that they never actually happen or the timescale isn't set so it's too late by the time I get around to doing something. I think my current most commonly said or thought words are "Oh, I was going to..." which is a crock of shit, really. Like I say to my son, no, you weren't "going to". If you were really going to, you'd have done it by now. I want to get in that mindset - have an idea now, do it yesterday. Or at least, immediately plan when it's going to happen, and then stick to that.
I would like to enjoy my son's company more. Often he gets the shitty end of me, when I don't really enjoy the activity, or it's OK but I'm a little more irritated by his totally normal five year old behaviour than I should be. I have a book about this, "When Your Kids Push Your Buttons", which is great, but I frequently don't notice that I've got into a slanging match with him until somebody points this out. I swear NORMAL parents don't do this with their 5 year olds. I find I enjoy his company when we're around other kids, or other adults. I find it really sad for him that our alone time isn't as good. I just can't get that connection right now.
I suppose that all of these are probably related and I do find that I can fake it to a certain extent but if I am honest I feel pretty hopeless about changing them and I can't imagine myself in those roles.
So, I decided to think back to, say, 10 years ago, when I was 15. Fuck, there were a LOT of things I wanted to change back then, that I probably wouldn't recognise myself now. Unfortunately (or fortunately, ha, it's probably a GOOD thing) I no longer have any of my teenage diaries so I can't check exactly what I was angsting about back then, but I'm sure I can have a good guess.
Teenage angst #1: I wish I had bigger boobs. Or existant boobs.
Well, done that one :D While I can still comfortably get away with not wearing a bra, I have a decent boobage now that I'm perfectly happy with.
Teenage angst #2: I will never get a boyfriend or be popular, I wish people liked me.
Hmm. While I wish I could go back in time and tell my 15 year old self that this really didn't matter as much as I thought, I do now have a fantastic boyfriend (who I happened to know at 15!) and soon to be husband. And I also know now that it's absolutely nothing to do with any man-attracting "skill" as it were but more about finding a person who matches YOU and that is possible for absolutely any person in the world.
Teenage angst #3: I wanted to be less awkward and more confident in general.
OK, THIS is what I meant. This is a personality thing that I've actually changed and I think my confidence and the amount that I hide or brazen out my awkwardness is AWESOME and I don't think my 15 year old self would recognise me. This is inspiring, this is me growing and changing as a person, and proving that I can.
Teenage angst #4: I want a baaaaaaaaaaby!
NO YOU REALLY FUCKING DON'T.
Teenage angst #5: I'm late all the time for everything.
Actually I'm better at this now. It's called building in time for stuff. It works but I have to remember to do it every time, which in practice means I'm on time for work but late to meet friends and, you know, blog and stuff and do other non-routine things. Sorry guys.
OK, but seriously. I have actually changed a lot in the last 10 years, probably in the last 5 years. I am braver. I am more confident. I am FAR more assertive. I take a little bit better care of my body. I am a tiny bit more organised (hey, these things take time). I am more likely to speak my mind, I have stronger opinions, I am less afraid to share those opinions. I have made changes, some which would have seemed impossible. Who am I to say that the changes I want to make now are so insurmountable?
My first response was "thank fuck it's not just me who has those thoughts!"
Then I started to think about what it is I would actually like to change.
I would like to be less lazy, and perhaps part of this is being less tired. I would like to feel healthier and look after my body better, perhaps trying to work out if my occasional bloating and/or nausea is related to a particular food group. Currently I struggle to eat regularly, and cutting out or even down on food groups is really detrimental to that, ie, I end up eating nothing.
I would like to be able to think and plan ahead more coherently. Often I make plans but they are so vague that they never actually happen or the timescale isn't set so it's too late by the time I get around to doing something. I think my current most commonly said or thought words are "Oh, I was going to..." which is a crock of shit, really. Like I say to my son, no, you weren't "going to". If you were really going to, you'd have done it by now. I want to get in that mindset - have an idea now, do it yesterday. Or at least, immediately plan when it's going to happen, and then stick to that.
I would like to enjoy my son's company more. Often he gets the shitty end of me, when I don't really enjoy the activity, or it's OK but I'm a little more irritated by his totally normal five year old behaviour than I should be. I have a book about this, "When Your Kids Push Your Buttons", which is great, but I frequently don't notice that I've got into a slanging match with him until somebody points this out. I swear NORMAL parents don't do this with their 5 year olds. I find I enjoy his company when we're around other kids, or other adults. I find it really sad for him that our alone time isn't as good. I just can't get that connection right now.
I suppose that all of these are probably related and I do find that I can fake it to a certain extent but if I am honest I feel pretty hopeless about changing them and I can't imagine myself in those roles.
So, I decided to think back to, say, 10 years ago, when I was 15. Fuck, there were a LOT of things I wanted to change back then, that I probably wouldn't recognise myself now. Unfortunately (or fortunately, ha, it's probably a GOOD thing) I no longer have any of my teenage diaries so I can't check exactly what I was angsting about back then, but I'm sure I can have a good guess.
Teenage angst #1: I wish I had bigger boobs. Or existant boobs.
Well, done that one :D While I can still comfortably get away with not wearing a bra, I have a decent boobage now that I'm perfectly happy with.
Teenage angst #2: I will never get a boyfriend or be popular, I wish people liked me.
Hmm. While I wish I could go back in time and tell my 15 year old self that this really didn't matter as much as I thought, I do now have a fantastic boyfriend (who I happened to know at 15!) and soon to be husband. And I also know now that it's absolutely nothing to do with any man-attracting "skill" as it were but more about finding a person who matches YOU and that is possible for absolutely any person in the world.
Teenage angst #3: I wanted to be less awkward and more confident in general.
OK, THIS is what I meant. This is a personality thing that I've actually changed and I think my confidence and the amount that I hide or brazen out my awkwardness is AWESOME and I don't think my 15 year old self would recognise me. This is inspiring, this is me growing and changing as a person, and proving that I can.
Teenage angst #4: I want a baaaaaaaaaaby!
NO YOU REALLY FUCKING DON'T.
Teenage angst #5: I'm late all the time for everything.
Actually I'm better at this now. It's called building in time for stuff. It works but I have to remember to do it every time, which in practice means I'm on time for work but late to meet friends and, you know, blog and stuff and do other non-routine things. Sorry guys.
OK, but seriously. I have actually changed a lot in the last 10 years, probably in the last 5 years. I am braver. I am more confident. I am FAR more assertive. I take a little bit better care of my body. I am a tiny bit more organised (hey, these things take time). I am more likely to speak my mind, I have stronger opinions, I am less afraid to share those opinions. I have made changes, some which would have seemed impossible. Who am I to say that the changes I want to make now are so insurmountable?
Tuesday, 10 December 2013
I can't be that person
I am not the mother that I want to be.
I am patient but only when I am not tired, which is most of the time. I am too easily irritated. I blow up in a rage too easily (I am getting better at avoiding this). I don't always enjoy the company of my son - THAT is the worst one, for me, the bringer of the biggest load of guilt. God, how I used to "feel sad" for kids whose parents didn't want to spend every waking moment with them. Hi guise. I am sorry. Please can I join your club?
When he was tiny I had all of these expectations and plans and everything was going to be perfect. Well, I failed my first hurdle when I tried EC (elimination communication). That's where you hold them over a pot every time you think they need a wee, and somehow your superior connection with them allows them to do this. Skips potty training. Yeah, failed that one. Once he could crawl he didn't want to be held over a potty, he wanted to be out there, crawling and doing stuff. Didn't potty train until he was over 3. Still won't poo anywhere other than home two years later.
I was going to get him used to all of these lovely home cooked foods and instead when we were first on our own we had no oven and no microwave, he lived off veggieburgers and frozen veg for months and then stopped eating and since then has been the fussiest eater ever. I see people whose children eat couscous and chickpeas and soup - fucking soup!! - and feel shit. Baby-Led weaning, you lied.
I was useless at wrap slings. I forgave myself for this one (like I forgave myself for the EC thing, once I realised MOST PEOPLE DON'T DO THIS and IT IS A MAD IDEA.)
I think I took from my mum, and my grandma, that to be a good mother you just had to be kind. And so I sort of sat back and relaxed, because I am pretty kind, I am a nice person, job done. I read all of these theories and they fitted in with my "be kind" mantra, and I think I felt like I was done. This is the old "clever but lazy" thing coming out in me again from school. Oh yes. I have the theories, I know how to do this right, I have great ideas about how to carry it out, too. This will be awesome. Do you know what I did this year? I planned little activities to do every day of Advent to celebrate Christmas and get the Christmas excitement flowing. Well, it's the 11th of December, 2 weeks to go and we have done not one thing on that list.
This is just, basically, a perfect illustration of every fucking thing I do. I have a good idea. I get really psyched about the idea. It's going to be fun. It's really going to work this time - look, I made a pretty colour coded chart and everything! Then, whatever it is happens, I'm motivated for maybe the first one or two, if that, and then I fall back on my usual which is to do nothing and stay up on the internet for hours.
It's some kind of torture. I know exactly what I want to do, I watch myself not do it, and then I have the exact details of what I should have done (and failed to do, again) differently to beat myself up with. Maybe my standards are too high and I'm setting myself up to fail, I don't know. But, to be honest, even when I make myself a totally piss-easy target I fall short from that after a short while, and I get down because it's not even that I don't do something well enough, it's that I quite often don't do it at all.
It gets me down. I can't seem to be the person I so desperately want to be. Hell, I can't even seem to be a normal person who functions adequately.
I am patient but only when I am not tired, which is most of the time. I am too easily irritated. I blow up in a rage too easily (I am getting better at avoiding this). I don't always enjoy the company of my son - THAT is the worst one, for me, the bringer of the biggest load of guilt. God, how I used to "feel sad" for kids whose parents didn't want to spend every waking moment with them. Hi guise. I am sorry. Please can I join your club?
When he was tiny I had all of these expectations and plans and everything was going to be perfect. Well, I failed my first hurdle when I tried EC (elimination communication). That's where you hold them over a pot every time you think they need a wee, and somehow your superior connection with them allows them to do this. Skips potty training. Yeah, failed that one. Once he could crawl he didn't want to be held over a potty, he wanted to be out there, crawling and doing stuff. Didn't potty train until he was over 3. Still won't poo anywhere other than home two years later.
I was going to get him used to all of these lovely home cooked foods and instead when we were first on our own we had no oven and no microwave, he lived off veggieburgers and frozen veg for months and then stopped eating and since then has been the fussiest eater ever. I see people whose children eat couscous and chickpeas and soup - fucking soup!! - and feel shit. Baby-Led weaning, you lied.
I was useless at wrap slings. I forgave myself for this one (like I forgave myself for the EC thing, once I realised MOST PEOPLE DON'T DO THIS and IT IS A MAD IDEA.)
I think I took from my mum, and my grandma, that to be a good mother you just had to be kind. And so I sort of sat back and relaxed, because I am pretty kind, I am a nice person, job done. I read all of these theories and they fitted in with my "be kind" mantra, and I think I felt like I was done. This is the old "clever but lazy" thing coming out in me again from school. Oh yes. I have the theories, I know how to do this right, I have great ideas about how to carry it out, too. This will be awesome. Do you know what I did this year? I planned little activities to do every day of Advent to celebrate Christmas and get the Christmas excitement flowing. Well, it's the 11th of December, 2 weeks to go and we have done not one thing on that list.
This is just, basically, a perfect illustration of every fucking thing I do. I have a good idea. I get really psyched about the idea. It's going to be fun. It's really going to work this time - look, I made a pretty colour coded chart and everything! Then, whatever it is happens, I'm motivated for maybe the first one or two, if that, and then I fall back on my usual which is to do nothing and stay up on the internet for hours.
It's some kind of torture. I know exactly what I want to do, I watch myself not do it, and then I have the exact details of what I should have done (and failed to do, again) differently to beat myself up with. Maybe my standards are too high and I'm setting myself up to fail, I don't know. But, to be honest, even when I make myself a totally piss-easy target I fall short from that after a short while, and I get down because it's not even that I don't do something well enough, it's that I quite often don't do it at all.
It gets me down. I can't seem to be the person I so desperately want to be. Hell, I can't even seem to be a normal person who functions adequately.
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