Thursday, 14 January 2016

Past Bedtime

Obligatory self-loathing "I haven't updated in an age". I get it, that's boring, you don't care.

So anyway. How the hell are you?

I am trying a new resolution type app which supposedly helps you make new habits. I've been working on "No napping in the day" for three weeks and one day, and managed it 15 days out of those 22. I started "Come off computer by 10.30" two days ago, and naturally, it's 1.03am and I'm typing this.

It's like once I've gone past the tipping point, I don't care and just carry on. I expect to be here at 3am. Then I need to make a lunch and hang up the washing in the machine. Bye bye lack of nap tomorrow! I know it's because I got home at 9, oven thermostat is funky so ended up finishing eating at about 11, hadn't done my lesson prep, noticed it was already after 10.30 anyway, and instead of thinking "Oh look, I've missed my deadline. I had better do all of the things I need to do and then go to sleep as soon as possible", I think "Meh, I'm late anyway. I'll do that later." and let myself get terminally distracted. Why? This is stupid and unhelpful.

I have an appointment for ADHD assessment. It's in February. I keep having weirdly vivid dreams about the assessment and/or thinking I've already done it and it's over. I also keep imagining all of these conversations I'm going to have in there, which I probably won't, at all. One recurring one is that I'm a terrible wife. One piece of evidence which keeps stabbing me in the face for that is that it's our anniversary soon and I asked my husband if he wanted to go to a concert, he said yes, but I have neither booked tickets nor found a babysitter, and the concert is on Saturday. I remember this at about 2am every night in a cold sweat, but I can't phone anybody then, or turn my phone on to post to facebook because it will wake him up. And the day is battling through a haze of tiredness and shock to the system as I return to work. Other people don't seem to find that this hard. Other people don't stay up until 2am avoiding the things they need to do before bed, either.