Sunday, 7 May 2017

Patience

As I mentioned in the last post, we've been trying for a baby for a while now. Over a year, actually, which means that since we are young and healthy it's advised that we seek medical assistance with this now. We've actually had two miscarriages in the last year, which I meant to write about, but didn't. I'm okay about that. It's the length of time which is frustrating and disappointing.

Recently we decided since the baby thing isn't going anywhere fast, let's look into getting a dog! We found a lovely mixed breed at the local animal shelter who was lovely and perfect for our family, but she has knee problems, and so wasn't allowed to live with us as we have stairs.

So a couple of weekends ago, we decided to look at some gerbils. We looked at two different tank sizes we'd be happy with, but when the sales assistant went to show us where they were kept, they found that they only had the smaller one, or much more expensive ones in stock. They wouldn't sell us the gerbils with the smaller tank, so we didn't get those either. Today I thought my husband had gone totally mad as he said we could look at cats instead. So off we went to the animal home again, but no, they won't let cats come to us because we're in an apartment. Which is fair, I suppose, but it's disappointing again.

I'm sure our time will come but it's hard being patient and waiting to see when it will be.

Thursday, 4 May 2017

Overdue

This becomes a theme, when you have ADHD.

As well as being long overdue to update (whistle stop tour: still haven't passed driving, marriage seems... Better? Pretty good but I hope I'm not missing anything, managed to seriously injure finger, also still not pregnant)

My library fines prevent me from using the service.

This morning I'm sitting in my living room missing the tram I need, again - yesterday, I fell asleep and missed every plan I had - today I'll be a few minutes late, no worse.

The plaque on my teeth is building up again because I am not regularly flossing.

It's been over a year and I'm not pregnant.

I keep pushing back my plans to send email to people listing houses - email! This would take zero effort - because I'm too tired.

It's 8.02 and I am only half dressed.

When I shower, sometimes I'm too dirty to get fully clean with one soaping.

The taxes are due.

I haven't chased up whether a friend's borrowed item was returned.

My son's dentist appointment today is the first in 2 years.

Tuesday, 29 November 2016

Things are still not going great?

I am having a hard time. My driving instructor says he doesn't know what to do with me. My husband said last week he "can't live like this" (we made up, but it was about cleaning - something that I don't believe will ever flow naturally for me no matter how much I understand it's important to him, I've improved for now but long term...) and today my boss has come straight out and said she "can't work with this" about me. Because of my organisation and time management.

I feel like... I'm always making promises that I don't know if I'll be able to keep because of my ADHD. Because I know what they want me to say, I know how I'm supposed to act following these things, it's not acceptable for me to be honest about my expectations, but I literally don't know how I could have pre-empted any of these problems, which means it's likely that they will happen again.


Also finding it hard - the contrast with when I was a teenager and struggling at school and the people who were cross with me were also trying to help me find out why it was so difficult for me. They don't do that now... because an adult who can't do those things is just obviously a lost cause. I feel so sad because I really want to fix these problems, I just can't see them in advance like other people can. But it comes back to the same thing - it doesn't matter how much effort you put into something or how much of it is in your control, the only thing that others see is whether you hit or missed the mark.

I know I have so much to give, but I can't get a handle on these basics. It is so enraging and senseless. But I'm too tired even to be angry about it so I just feel defeated today.

Thursday, 17 November 2016

Optimism

The situation in the last post sort of resolved itself. Or got worse. Or didn't? I don't really know. Is it important?

Yeah, probably.

I should probably explain a bit more. I took on some extra classes back in the late spring. I was just covering another teacher but it meant I had a late morning through to evening schedule, and it was amazing. It just worked for me. Far better than the early morning + late evening with mass gap in the middle I had been dealing with.

So I asked my husband if he minded me doing more of this. He said it was a great idea, so I went to my employer, who also thought it was great.

EVERYTHING IS GREAT. YAY.

So, the problem here, was that they set me an impossible task, and I agreed to it, because I'm endlessly optimistic and don't seem to notice that this often goes quite badly for me. The impossible task was learning to drive in two months. They basically told me that it was difficult. I knew that I didn't have enough time. What I also knew but didn't tell them was that I have ADHD and, um, there are actual trends that show driving is harder for people with ADHD, so that two months which was difficult for a normal person is basically extra hard for me. But I was optimistic, so I said okay, sure!

The other problem. I somehow assumed that during the conversation about my working more late morning through to evening days, that my husband got the memo that he was agreeing (in my head) to then cover the gap after school when our son comes home. This was completely clear to me because late morning through to evening also includes the early afternoon, and also because as part of this deal I promised to deal with the mornings, and also, why the F was I asking his permission to work, if I wasn't asking him if he was OK with going to work early and doing the extra childcare?

But yeah, OK, to be fair, I probably didn't spell it out exactly that this was what I wanted.

So - now it is much longer than two months later. I have failed two tests. I did pass theory the first time - memory, yay! But I am not doing well at the practical tests. Husband is straining to cover the childcare. I am paying aaaall the money to the tram system. Hoping optimistically that the driving school just let me keep driving until I pass and pay them later. Hoping optimistically that my employer doesn't just get fed up and give my job to someone else. Basically just smiling manically and hoping for the best in all scenarios while totally failing to plan.

You know when you plan? Can you see the plan in your head? Can you hold it there while you work out what happens on the next step? Because I can't do that. I have to write it down and even that in itself is hard. I start writing. I get several steps in. And it feels like the cogs in my brain are jammed, like they are buffering, or turning so slowly. I can't focus on anything and it all just swims and it's hard. I can plan... but it takes me a huge amount of effort and several sessions because one session producing the first step is exhausting.

Wednesday, 7 September 2016

So I've kind of ended up in a situation.

I'm feeling a little panicked about this and I just need to get it down.

There seems to have been a huge communication error between my husband and I regarding the childcare arrangements for when I start working full time instead of part time. I remembered, and understood, from the original conversation, that once I was full time I would deal with before school mornings and he would deal with after school until I got home.

Everything has been set up into place, it all hanging on the performance of one day with everyone just crossing their fingers and hoping it will be fine. And I think it will be fine. But this approach stresses my husband, the ever rational, prepared for every eventuality INTJ, out no end. And during a crappy week for him to be stressed, too. I can't really reassure him that I've got it, because I haven't. But I don't want him to worry, and I'll certainly deal with the fallout myself.

But back to the conversation which I apparently completely misunderstood. I get my timetable for the first week and I say jokingly to him that he had better get used to getting up extra early so that he can cover me for all these afternoons. To which he says, um, wait, no. This 2asnt what I signed up for.

This is so jumbled and badly written, ugh.

I feel like breaking down and freaking out over this. I felt like I was about to taste adulthood and freedom. I felt like I was about to be worth something. Like I'd be a person who is useful and needed and relied upon and like my contribution is important, to be told oh no. It doesn't work like that. You don't get to have a job which is important because your job is to facilitate me in my job. Yes. I'm supposed to turn down work and work around his issues because his job is super important, whereas mine is incidental. And I know it's not really about that, it's about the fact his job can pay our bills alone whereas mine cannot. And I get that he wants to advance in his career too and that this would be more helpful to our family as a whole. But it just really sucks that I felt like I was on the brink of getting that and feeling like a real person and then suddenly it is all snatched away. Not because I made a leap of faith but because I did not see all the outcomes through. Because I was naive enough to think of things in terms of my own mental wellbeing and self worth instead of seeing what was practical for us as a family unit. I didn't stop to think about whether what I was asking was realistic, I just wanted it to be fair.

I'm going to publish this mess, and tidy it up later because fuck it, that is how I roll.

Tuesday, 26 July 2016

Change

My husband thinks I am bad at dealing with change. Of course, I refute this absolutely. I love change. As long as everything is exactly the same as it is right now.

Oh.

Joking aside, though, it's a weird thing. It came up because I mentioned that I don't update apps unless they either stop working or some new feature has been added that I want. It's not that I don't like it when an app changes, it just seems unnecessary, and if it works now, why bother? I've had too many frustrating experiences before where I was playing a game I liked and when they updated it they broke it or slightly changed the mechanics and it wasn't fun any more.

I think you could safely say I like to be comfortable. And part of being comfortable is things going the way I expect. I don't know whether it's related to the ADHD - one theory (of course as soon as he mentions something like this it makes me spawn 1000 theories as to why it might be) is that since basically everything around me is vying for my attention all the time, it calms the onslaught somewhat if I can predict a lot of them and let my brain fill in the blank space. Or it might be to do with the ADHD need for feedback - it's difficult for me to justify spending effort for something that I don't know will either bring a reward or lessen some discomfort, and then I tend to be forgetful/not follow through on things which is why it might look like I'm not interested in change. Often when there's something keeping me on track I'm very interested and motivated by change, it's just very very exhausting at the same time. He reckons that I'm only okay with change when I can have complete control over how it will go. Which actually does sound like me, though I never really think of myself as a controlling person.

I find it disconcerting when he points out something about me I hadn't really noticed and it makes me want to go and cross-reference it with other people who know me, but then I realised that I don't know if I have anyone so close who knows me that well. Which is disappointing. My mum is just too tied up with her angel cult thing to really talk clearly about this, I think.

It requires more thought.

Saturday, 25 June 2016

How does it feel to see your country begin to break?

It is a shock. It is a sharp jab.
It is feeling helplessly lost in not knowing. I didn't know I would feel like this.

I don't know whether it is my strength of feeling which is surprising, or that I didn't expect this to happen at all.

I feel stunned.
I don't know what I feel. I don't have a chance to look and grasp because I feel like I am falling.
Literally, falling with nothing to grasp, arms flying out behind. It feels like falling, and not in a good way, like falling in love. It is tripping and stumbling and air rushing into the ears and blocking out all of the sound but the words, saying things I don't want to be true.

And the breath. Visceral and physical breath leaves me. It is gone. It is gone.

How can it be gone?

Log on. The world reacts. There is a lot of feeling. Every feeling in the world came out today. Hurt and anger and fear, in viciousness. And sympathy. Reaching out, pulling close. These are the ones I notice. The hairs on my neck are not still today.

I am thankful for international friends. Thankful for wordless support, the ordinary. My people are hurting, badly. Talk feels impossible. Just angry words, now. Much later we will talk. For now we are hurting, and hurt people hurt. The hurt that lead to the vote and the hurt that follows. My country is bleeding.

Reading each new headline adds another dull blow. The reminder: This is real. It is happening. We can't go back now. The people have had their say. This is democracy.

I feel vulnerable and tearful. Small acts of solidarity are touching. Reminders of earlier optimism difficult. It feels too early even to laugh. I've never found it too early to laugh before.

I feel lost. I don't know where my home is.

My heart is breaking.

That is how it feels.