Wednesday, 7 September 2016

So I've kind of ended up in a situation.

I'm feeling a little panicked about this and I just need to get it down.

There seems to have been a huge communication error between my husband and I regarding the childcare arrangements for when I start working full time instead of part time. I remembered, and understood, from the original conversation, that once I was full time I would deal with before school mornings and he would deal with after school until I got home.

Everything has been set up into place, it all hanging on the performance of one day with everyone just crossing their fingers and hoping it will be fine. And I think it will be fine. But this approach stresses my husband, the ever rational, prepared for every eventuality INTJ, out no end. And during a crappy week for him to be stressed, too. I can't really reassure him that I've got it, because I haven't. But I don't want him to worry, and I'll certainly deal with the fallout myself.

But back to the conversation which I apparently completely misunderstood. I get my timetable for the first week and I say jokingly to him that he had better get used to getting up extra early so that he can cover me for all these afternoons. To which he says, um, wait, no. This 2asnt what I signed up for.

This is so jumbled and badly written, ugh.

I feel like breaking down and freaking out over this. I felt like I was about to taste adulthood and freedom. I felt like I was about to be worth something. Like I'd be a person who is useful and needed and relied upon and like my contribution is important, to be told oh no. It doesn't work like that. You don't get to have a job which is important because your job is to facilitate me in my job. Yes. I'm supposed to turn down work and work around his issues because his job is super important, whereas mine is incidental. And I know it's not really about that, it's about the fact his job can pay our bills alone whereas mine cannot. And I get that he wants to advance in his career too and that this would be more helpful to our family as a whole. But it just really sucks that I felt like I was on the brink of getting that and feeling like a real person and then suddenly it is all snatched away. Not because I made a leap of faith but because I did not see all the outcomes through. Because I was naive enough to think of things in terms of my own mental wellbeing and self worth instead of seeing what was practical for us as a family unit. I didn't stop to think about whether what I was asking was realistic, I just wanted it to be fair.

I'm going to publish this mess, and tidy it up later because fuck it, that is how I roll.