Tuesday, 26 July 2016

Change

My husband thinks I am bad at dealing with change. Of course, I refute this absolutely. I love change. As long as everything is exactly the same as it is right now.

Oh.

Joking aside, though, it's a weird thing. It came up because I mentioned that I don't update apps unless they either stop working or some new feature has been added that I want. It's not that I don't like it when an app changes, it just seems unnecessary, and if it works now, why bother? I've had too many frustrating experiences before where I was playing a game I liked and when they updated it they broke it or slightly changed the mechanics and it wasn't fun any more.

I think you could safely say I like to be comfortable. And part of being comfortable is things going the way I expect. I don't know whether it's related to the ADHD - one theory (of course as soon as he mentions something like this it makes me spawn 1000 theories as to why it might be) is that since basically everything around me is vying for my attention all the time, it calms the onslaught somewhat if I can predict a lot of them and let my brain fill in the blank space. Or it might be to do with the ADHD need for feedback - it's difficult for me to justify spending effort for something that I don't know will either bring a reward or lessen some discomfort, and then I tend to be forgetful/not follow through on things which is why it might look like I'm not interested in change. Often when there's something keeping me on track I'm very interested and motivated by change, it's just very very exhausting at the same time. He reckons that I'm only okay with change when I can have complete control over how it will go. Which actually does sound like me, though I never really think of myself as a controlling person.

I find it disconcerting when he points out something about me I hadn't really noticed and it makes me want to go and cross-reference it with other people who know me, but then I realised that I don't know if I have anyone so close who knows me that well. Which is disappointing. My mum is just too tied up with her angel cult thing to really talk clearly about this, I think.

It requires more thought.

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