So, Monday goals.
I collected the mail as planned (go me!) I had one letter and my husband has two, which I have left on his desk. My letter looked terrifying. #1 win.
I made some coffee, but I didn't like the idea of not multitasking, so I decided to not not multitask. Which is a crap way of saying that I took the coffee to my computer desk and drank it there and didn't make any food because I didn't want to eat it alone and bored at the table or browse the internet on a tiny phone screen two feet from my desk. However, I did notice that there were several plates and cups around, so I took them to the kitchen. I did not refill the dishwasher, because the kitchen is a mess and I hadn't even drunk my coffee. The kitchen is still a bomb site (2pm). #2 fail.
Also, while drinking my coffee, I did go through my emails and open the letter while I was drinking rather than going onto other tabs. Mostly. I actually did stay pretty focused during this, this time. I didn't have any new email which required action but I looked at some cute baby pictures my friend sent me and thought about calling her but it was too early in the UK to do that.
I looked through some older emails which had required action and had bitten me in the butt, some summer childcare for my son which had cancelled, and decided that I don't need that one anyway. I wondered about sorting out some alternative childcare, which I'm just realising now probably should have made itself onto the "action" list but which didn't. (Here's my plan: When this is typed up, I'll check the time and if it's not too late, then I'll do it.) Then I sent an email to work to clarify something, and ordered a product part that I needed. Finally I opened the scary letter. It's from a debt collector in England who wants me to pay back my overdraft on my old bank account. Actually, my husband told me how to deal with this months ago (write to the bank directly). So I opened up a word document, which is still sitting there. Mostly because I can't remember what he said to write. Also because it's scary and I don't want to.
Oh. I also needed to send one more email which was to my psychiatrist to arrange an EEG scan. (Needed if I am to start medication.) I opened up the compose window and wrote "Good morning," but found this so anxiety provoking that I immediately had to browse several other tabs. Also, I needed to pee by this point, so I went to the toilet and then I walked back past the kitchen so I got myself a snack and some tea. I did finish and send the email to my psych but I had to change "Good morning" to "Good afternoon" by the time I did.
I'm giving myself half a win for point #3. I didn't focus on it completely until the end, and I overlooked a couple of needed actions, but I still did several things which were in need of getting done. I also like the fact that I can happily ignore all of my emails guilt-free now until tomorrow morning because I know that I will get to them.
I haven't started the laundry investigation yet or read any of the book. In fact my son asked me if I would wash his clothes today and I said yes but I haven't done it yet.
So I have 1.5/3 for the daily tasks and 0/2 so far for the weekly ones. To be fair, that 1.5 is an actual improvement over my usual Monday morning behaviour, even if it is still shitty. I'll take that slight improvement as a win.
Monday, 11 April 2016
CBT for ADHD, week 1
NB: (To later be removed) I realise this is a bit sudden especially after such a mass gap in posting, but I was diagnosed with adult ADHD, specifically the inattentive type. I'll put another explanatory post up and backdate it later, but the summary is: My brain is screwed, and this explains why I have such issues with the details of adulthood. (Also, problems updating a blog.) Edit: I never updated this and probably never will, so deal with it.
This week I began CBT for my ADHD, so I'm going to try and note the results here both to see how I'm doing, and to document the process in case anyone is interested.
My sessions are currently on Friday evenings and this week I've come away with several goals to complete over the week. I'm sort of loosely using this book: http://www.amazon.com/Mastering-Your-Adult-ADHD-Cognitive-Behavioral/dp/0195188195/ My therapist described it as "In this field there are good books and there is many bullshit. This publisher doesn't make bullshit". To the point. Anyway, it's recommended by Dr. Barkley, which is a good stamp of approval for me.
So first I identified that one of my biggest problems is when I avoid an activity which would be small and no effort, but in putting it off I make a huge problem build up for the future. I particularly have an issue with reading and answering physical and electronic mail, so that is my first task.
1. When I re-enter the house in the morning, whether it's from dropping my son off on his way to school, or whether from work, I will check the postbox and carry up the mail.
2. I'll sit down and drink my coffee and eat some breakfast, but NOT at the computer and not while reading the mail. I'm not supposed to multi-task. He wants me to finish one task before I start the next so that the tasks aren't forever unfinished leaving a trail of destruction in my wake. (This is another problem that I wanted to address.) So after this, I should take my plate and cup and any other things back to the kitchen and refill the dishwasher.
3. Then I can turn on my computer, but only to check email. I should throw away the bullshit (I'm not sure that he really gets that bullshit is an offensive word? I don't know. But it's hilarious.) and decide what actions, if any, need taking. If the action is small then I should do it immediately. If I can't do it immediately, then I should decide when I will do it. The same for physical mail. If I find myself thinking "Oh but it will be too difficult, I'll do it later" then I'm supposed to counter that by thinking "No fortune telling. Just try it."
4. My other task for this week, which is more of a week-long task, is to figure out how often I should do things like laundry by counting how many clothes and other things we use in a typical week. I already feel a little overwhelmed so it might only be laundry to begin with that I work out, but I can extend it to other things if I want to and have time. (My current tactic with laundry is to forget that it is a thing until we all run out of socks and then try to do three loads in one day, forgetting the last one and leaving it to moulder for a week.)
5. I should also read the chapter on prioritising and writing a to-do list and maybe anything preceding this, again, if I have time.
This week I began CBT for my ADHD, so I'm going to try and note the results here both to see how I'm doing, and to document the process in case anyone is interested.
My sessions are currently on Friday evenings and this week I've come away with several goals to complete over the week. I'm sort of loosely using this book: http://www.amazon.com/Mastering-Your-Adult-ADHD-Cognitive-Behavioral/dp/0195188195/ My therapist described it as "In this field there are good books and there is many bullshit. This publisher doesn't make bullshit". To the point. Anyway, it's recommended by Dr. Barkley, which is a good stamp of approval for me.
So first I identified that one of my biggest problems is when I avoid an activity which would be small and no effort, but in putting it off I make a huge problem build up for the future. I particularly have an issue with reading and answering physical and electronic mail, so that is my first task.
1. When I re-enter the house in the morning, whether it's from dropping my son off on his way to school, or whether from work, I will check the postbox and carry up the mail.
2. I'll sit down and drink my coffee and eat some breakfast, but NOT at the computer and not while reading the mail. I'm not supposed to multi-task. He wants me to finish one task before I start the next so that the tasks aren't forever unfinished leaving a trail of destruction in my wake. (This is another problem that I wanted to address.) So after this, I should take my plate and cup and any other things back to the kitchen and refill the dishwasher.
3. Then I can turn on my computer, but only to check email. I should throw away the bullshit (I'm not sure that he really gets that bullshit is an offensive word? I don't know. But it's hilarious.) and decide what actions, if any, need taking. If the action is small then I should do it immediately. If I can't do it immediately, then I should decide when I will do it. The same for physical mail. If I find myself thinking "Oh but it will be too difficult, I'll do it later" then I'm supposed to counter that by thinking "No fortune telling. Just try it."
4. My other task for this week, which is more of a week-long task, is to figure out how often I should do things like laundry by counting how many clothes and other things we use in a typical week. I already feel a little overwhelmed so it might only be laundry to begin with that I work out, but I can extend it to other things if I want to and have time. (My current tactic with laundry is to forget that it is a thing until we all run out of socks and then try to do three loads in one day, forgetting the last one and leaving it to moulder for a week.)
5. I should also read the chapter on prioritising and writing a to-do list and maybe anything preceding this, again, if I have time.
Thursday, 14 January 2016
Past Bedtime
Obligatory self-loathing "I haven't updated in an age". I get it, that's boring, you don't care.
So anyway. How the hell are you?
I am trying a new resolution type app which supposedly helps you make new habits. I've been working on "No napping in the day" for three weeks and one day, and managed it 15 days out of those 22. I started "Come off computer by 10.30" two days ago, and naturally, it's 1.03am and I'm typing this.
It's like once I've gone past the tipping point, I don't care and just carry on. I expect to be here at 3am. Then I need to make a lunch and hang up the washing in the machine. Bye bye lack of nap tomorrow! I know it's because I got home at 9, oven thermostat is funky so ended up finishing eating at about 11, hadn't done my lesson prep, noticed it was already after 10.30 anyway, and instead of thinking "Oh look, I've missed my deadline. I had better do all of the things I need to do and then go to sleep as soon as possible", I think "Meh, I'm late anyway. I'll do that later." and let myself get terminally distracted. Why? This is stupid and unhelpful.
I have an appointment for ADHD assessment. It's in February. I keep having weirdly vivid dreams about the assessment and/or thinking I've already done it and it's over. I also keep imagining all of these conversations I'm going to have in there, which I probably won't, at all. One recurring one is that I'm a terrible wife. One piece of evidence which keeps stabbing me in the face for that is that it's our anniversary soon and I asked my husband if he wanted to go to a concert, he said yes, but I have neither booked tickets nor found a babysitter, and the concert is on Saturday. I remember this at about 2am every night in a cold sweat, but I can't phone anybody then, or turn my phone on to post to facebook because it will wake him up. And the day is battling through a haze of tiredness and shock to the system as I return to work. Other people don't seem to find that this hard. Other people don't stay up until 2am avoiding the things they need to do before bed, either.
So anyway. How the hell are you?
I am trying a new resolution type app which supposedly helps you make new habits. I've been working on "No napping in the day" for three weeks and one day, and managed it 15 days out of those 22. I started "Come off computer by 10.30" two days ago, and naturally, it's 1.03am and I'm typing this.
It's like once I've gone past the tipping point, I don't care and just carry on. I expect to be here at 3am. Then I need to make a lunch and hang up the washing in the machine. Bye bye lack of nap tomorrow! I know it's because I got home at 9, oven thermostat is funky so ended up finishing eating at about 11, hadn't done my lesson prep, noticed it was already after 10.30 anyway, and instead of thinking "Oh look, I've missed my deadline. I had better do all of the things I need to do and then go to sleep as soon as possible", I think "Meh, I'm late anyway. I'll do that later." and let myself get terminally distracted. Why? This is stupid and unhelpful.
I have an appointment for ADHD assessment. It's in February. I keep having weirdly vivid dreams about the assessment and/or thinking I've already done it and it's over. I also keep imagining all of these conversations I'm going to have in there, which I probably won't, at all. One recurring one is that I'm a terrible wife. One piece of evidence which keeps stabbing me in the face for that is that it's our anniversary soon and I asked my husband if he wanted to go to a concert, he said yes, but I have neither booked tickets nor found a babysitter, and the concert is on Saturday. I remember this at about 2am every night in a cold sweat, but I can't phone anybody then, or turn my phone on to post to facebook because it will wake him up. And the day is battling through a haze of tiredness and shock to the system as I return to work. Other people don't seem to find that this hard. Other people don't stay up until 2am avoiding the things they need to do before bed, either.
Monday, 9 November 2015
I fell into some kind of...
I wish I was a rock person, with tattoos and piercings and unnaturally coloured hair.
Oh, I could get tattoos, and piercings, and dye my hair (it's been blue, and the only reason for the lack of the others is my chronic indecision and puny fear of stabby kinds of pain.) I could listen exclusively to rock and metal.
And it would all be stupid because it's not me. It never has been me. My favourite kind of music is the kind which starts with an acoustic guitar amongst silence and has delicious melty kinds of harmonies in the singing and emotion in the voice and usually sings about something which is surreal or metaphorical at best and nonsensical at worst. I like rock. I love rock. But I always come back to the indie guitars, because they speak to my soul.
I'm not confident. I'm not a risk taker. I'm rubbish at make up, and anyway, I'm too lazy. I like smoking but I'm too scared of the health risks for "looking cool" to be a factor any more, and so it just doesn't seem worth it.
I want to be a hippy, a free-spirit running free, living in some kind of nomadic camp with seven half-related children and braided hair and bare feet and some kind of livestock, which we'd name and never be able to kill. Eschewing everything and throwing out the rules and just leaving. This isn't me either. I love technology, medicine and science. I am not overly comfortable with getting too close to nature. I am actually not a natural mother. I dislike wearing skirts. I get antsy holed up in a small space with other people for too long and I can sometimes explode in frustration.
I literally want to be a freaking punk rocker with flowers in my hair. Even though that is not a thing I somehow simultaneously want both. How inconveniently uncool and ridiculous of me.
I don't know why I so obsess over having some kind of tribe and instead don't just accept that I am who I am - indie guitar, unbrushed mousy hair, stripes and hoodies and comfortable clothes in non flashy colours and lack of accessories to boot. I read too much (mostly online, these days) and I will forget random things that you tell me, and give you information that you already know because I'm totally incapable of resisting the urge to be helpful, especially when it isn't needed, apparently. When I'm at home, I play Sims. No, I don't want to play a game that is cooler. I don't say the right thing at the right time. I'm much better at translating my thoughts to type than to speech. I guess I don't need a tribe, because I'm actually fine. I just wish I didn't feel this huge irrational jealousy at anybody I perceive has things way more together than I do.
Oh my god just literally click any moment of this and tell me how anybody could not find it hauntingly beautiful. (Except I actually don't think the first song is a great starting point.)
(I have set an alarm to at least work on a post once every three days, so we'll see where that takes me.)
Oh, I could get tattoos, and piercings, and dye my hair (it's been blue, and the only reason for the lack of the others is my chronic indecision and puny fear of stabby kinds of pain.) I could listen exclusively to rock and metal.
And it would all be stupid because it's not me. It never has been me. My favourite kind of music is the kind which starts with an acoustic guitar amongst silence and has delicious melty kinds of harmonies in the singing and emotion in the voice and usually sings about something which is surreal or metaphorical at best and nonsensical at worst. I like rock. I love rock. But I always come back to the indie guitars, because they speak to my soul.
I'm not confident. I'm not a risk taker. I'm rubbish at make up, and anyway, I'm too lazy. I like smoking but I'm too scared of the health risks for "looking cool" to be a factor any more, and so it just doesn't seem worth it.
I want to be a hippy, a free-spirit running free, living in some kind of nomadic camp with seven half-related children and braided hair and bare feet and some kind of livestock, which we'd name and never be able to kill. Eschewing everything and throwing out the rules and just leaving. This isn't me either. I love technology, medicine and science. I am not overly comfortable with getting too close to nature. I am actually not a natural mother. I dislike wearing skirts. I get antsy holed up in a small space with other people for too long and I can sometimes explode in frustration.
I literally want to be a freaking punk rocker with flowers in my hair. Even though that is not a thing I somehow simultaneously want both. How inconveniently uncool and ridiculous of me.
I don't know why I so obsess over having some kind of tribe and instead don't just accept that I am who I am - indie guitar, unbrushed mousy hair, stripes and hoodies and comfortable clothes in non flashy colours and lack of accessories to boot. I read too much (mostly online, these days) and I will forget random things that you tell me, and give you information that you already know because I'm totally incapable of resisting the urge to be helpful, especially when it isn't needed, apparently. When I'm at home, I play Sims. No, I don't want to play a game that is cooler. I don't say the right thing at the right time. I'm much better at translating my thoughts to type than to speech. I guess I don't need a tribe, because I'm actually fine. I just wish I didn't feel this huge irrational jealousy at anybody I perceive has things way more together than I do.
Oh my god just literally click any moment of this and tell me how anybody could not find it hauntingly beautiful. (Except I actually don't think the first song is a great starting point.)
(I have set an alarm to at least work on a post once every three days, so we'll see where that takes me.)
Wednesday, 10 June 2015
We has a car
We finally got a car! Woohoo! This tastes like sweet, sweet freedom after roughly 2 years (3.5 for my husband) of being confined to using the tram system.
It is a 21 year old Vauxhall Astra, dark green, wobbly, with manual windows and a retractable aerial (state of the art in the mid-90s; I remember when people used to snap them off for seemingly no reason at all, so it was perfectly normal to just stick a wire coathanger into the socket and drive around with it like that. If you were really lucky, your disgustingly cute boyfriend might bend it into a heart shape for you. Yeah, the past, it was a different country and all that.)
Anyway, it is super exciting to us. We can drive to France on a whim! Visit waterfalls! Go to the supermarket and buy as much food as we want rather than being limited to how much we can carry or fit into the wheeled trolley thing.
Of course, it broke down two days after we picked it up. Husband and son stranded on the side of the motorway in 33 degree sun with no shade and only one bottle of water. That was when DH discovered that he had no idea of the procedure for calling ADAC, the German breakdown people. Faced with a recorded message in German, he panicked, tried to leave me a facebook message (which I didn't get for about an hour) and, eventually, sat and waited.
Eventually, I wondered where he was, checked my messages (did I mention I also left my phone on a train this week, so I also had no portable way to contact him?) and ended up asking my boss for advice. She was stumped that the ADAC hadn't worked, as they are the only one in Germany, so she called a local garage for us. They towed the car, for €200, taking an hour longer than promised, to a garage. We went back on Monday and they fixed it, but it cost even more money. However, we now have a working car! And when we calculated the repair costs on top of the money we paid for the car, it was actually still within budget, so not too bad.
We have a freaking car.
(And I found my phone.)
It is a 21 year old Vauxhall Astra, dark green, wobbly, with manual windows and a retractable aerial (state of the art in the mid-90s; I remember when people used to snap them off for seemingly no reason at all, so it was perfectly normal to just stick a wire coathanger into the socket and drive around with it like that. If you were really lucky, your disgustingly cute boyfriend might bend it into a heart shape for you. Yeah, the past, it was a different country and all that.)
Anyway, it is super exciting to us. We can drive to France on a whim! Visit waterfalls! Go to the supermarket and buy as much food as we want rather than being limited to how much we can carry or fit into the wheeled trolley thing.
Of course, it broke down two days after we picked it up. Husband and son stranded on the side of the motorway in 33 degree sun with no shade and only one bottle of water. That was when DH discovered that he had no idea of the procedure for calling ADAC, the German breakdown people. Faced with a recorded message in German, he panicked, tried to leave me a facebook message (which I didn't get for about an hour) and, eventually, sat and waited.
Eventually, I wondered where he was, checked my messages (did I mention I also left my phone on a train this week, so I also had no portable way to contact him?) and ended up asking my boss for advice. She was stumped that the ADAC hadn't worked, as they are the only one in Germany, so she called a local garage for us. They towed the car, for €200, taking an hour longer than promised, to a garage. We went back on Monday and they fixed it, but it cost even more money. However, we now have a working car! And when we calculated the repair costs on top of the money we paid for the car, it was actually still within budget, so not too bad.
We have a freaking car.
(And I found my phone.)
Wednesday, 3 June 2015
Schedule time!
I went to my doctor this morning to ask about ADHD and some excessive tiredness I've been having at the moment.
It seems that the system here is very different to the British one. When I asked my English GP about tiredness, he sent me for blood tests. My doctor here took the two aspects together and advised me, very Germanly, that I just need enough "frischer luft", sport and sleep. (Fresh air, sleep and exercise.) She said that there are neurological centres which deal with ADHD (ADHS in German) but she doesn't feel it would be hugely beneficial for me to get a diagnosis (I disagree; it unlocks treatment options such as medication and specialised therapy/occupational therapy). However, she was sympathetic. She wants me to try sticking strictly to a schedule for the next six weeks and report back. This idea sounds HELL to me, but I'll try anything at this point, so I'm giving it a go. It fits pretty well into my idea to try and capsulise things so that when I forget/get off track, I can more easily jump back on again, because it's already up and running.
I'll try to keep posting about how it goes!
It seems that the system here is very different to the British one. When I asked my English GP about tiredness, he sent me for blood tests. My doctor here took the two aspects together and advised me, very Germanly, that I just need enough "frischer luft", sport and sleep. (Fresh air, sleep and exercise.) She said that there are neurological centres which deal with ADHD (ADHS in German) but she doesn't feel it would be hugely beneficial for me to get a diagnosis (I disagree; it unlocks treatment options such as medication and specialised therapy/occupational therapy). However, she was sympathetic. She wants me to try sticking strictly to a schedule for the next six weeks and report back. This idea sounds HELL to me, but I'll try anything at this point, so I'm giving it a go. It fits pretty well into my idea to try and capsulise things so that when I forget/get off track, I can more easily jump back on again, because it's already up and running.
I'll try to keep posting about how it goes!
Sunday, 19 April 2015
Seven things that happened this week
1. The six year old learned to ride a bike. My husband said that it was the most like a dad he has ever felt. Apparently strangers cheered. I was sorry that I missed it, but it felt okay. It was my idea to take the pedals off his bike, anyway.
2. The bike is about 20 years old and way too small. So then the husband and I had an argument over whether it's better to buy something new and cheap (him) or second hand (me). The result of this is that I have until Wednesday to scour quoka (German craigslist) for bikes and maybe find one. I have 13 ads saved. Not sure how many of those I will actually go and look at, but it will be really awesome if we do manage to find a bargain this way.
3. I discovered Gilmore Girls, and it's awesome. How have I never seen this before? Total comfort TV. Lauren Graham is also my parenting idol. I am enjoying the fact that she's basically playing exactly the same part as she played in Parenthood. Also, she has not aged in fifteen years.
4. I noticed my ex is back on facebook. Ho boy.
5. I am using some sleep app now, that tracks my sleep. This is sort of depressing, because it says my sleep is really great, yet I still feel tired and find it hard to wake up in the mornings. Plus it gives my husband reason to be upset at me since his sleep graphs look worse than mine. Technology! Improving marriage arguments since 1974.
6. The sleep app tells me that I sleep better when I go to bed after midnight. But also that I need 8.5 hours of sleep. I really wish that I could submit this as evidence of why I shouldn't have to get up until 9 or 10 every day.
7. Oh, and I started running again. I forgot that it actually feels pretty awesome. I hope to make it a more regular thing.
I am doing this format now, once every Sunday, in the hope that it kick starts me into writing again. I apologise because it's pretty boring to read, but it gets me writing and puts some context around when I occasionally post relevant stuff. So comments would be great, but don't feel any great pressure or anything.
2. The bike is about 20 years old and way too small. So then the husband and I had an argument over whether it's better to buy something new and cheap (him) or second hand (me). The result of this is that I have until Wednesday to scour quoka (German craigslist) for bikes and maybe find one. I have 13 ads saved. Not sure how many of those I will actually go and look at, but it will be really awesome if we do manage to find a bargain this way.
3. I discovered Gilmore Girls, and it's awesome. How have I never seen this before? Total comfort TV. Lauren Graham is also my parenting idol. I am enjoying the fact that she's basically playing exactly the same part as she played in Parenthood. Also, she has not aged in fifteen years.
4. I noticed my ex is back on facebook. Ho boy.
5. I am using some sleep app now, that tracks my sleep. This is sort of depressing, because it says my sleep is really great, yet I still feel tired and find it hard to wake up in the mornings. Plus it gives my husband reason to be upset at me since his sleep graphs look worse than mine. Technology! Improving marriage arguments since 1974.
6. The sleep app tells me that I sleep better when I go to bed after midnight. But also that I need 8.5 hours of sleep. I really wish that I could submit this as evidence of why I shouldn't have to get up until 9 or 10 every day.
7. Oh, and I started running again. I forgot that it actually feels pretty awesome. I hope to make it a more regular thing.
I am doing this format now, once every Sunday, in the hope that it kick starts me into writing again. I apologise because it's pretty boring to read, but it gets me writing and puts some context around when I occasionally post relevant stuff. So comments would be great, but don't feel any great pressure or anything.
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