Tuesday, 29 November 2016

Things are still not going great?

I am having a hard time. My driving instructor says he doesn't know what to do with me. My husband said last week he "can't live like this" (we made up, but it was about cleaning - something that I don't believe will ever flow naturally for me no matter how much I understand it's important to him, I've improved for now but long term...) and today my boss has come straight out and said she "can't work with this" about me. Because of my organisation and time management.

I feel like... I'm always making promises that I don't know if I'll be able to keep because of my ADHD. Because I know what they want me to say, I know how I'm supposed to act following these things, it's not acceptable for me to be honest about my expectations, but I literally don't know how I could have pre-empted any of these problems, which means it's likely that they will happen again.

Also finding it hard - the contrast with when I was a teenager and struggling at school and the people who were cross with me were also trying to help me find out why it was so difficult for me. They don't do that now... because an adult who can't do those things is just obviously a lost cause. I feel so sad because I really want to fix these problems, I just can't see them in advance like other people can. But it comes back to the same thing - it doesn't matter how much effort you put into something or how much of it is in your control, the only thing that others see is whether you hit or missed the mark.

I know I have so much to give, but I can't get a handle on these basics. It is so enraging and senseless. But I'm too tired even to be angry about it so I just feel defeated today.

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